Since becoming a mother, it feels like another door was opened in my house and as soon as I stepped foot in the newly extended Bildo Pad, the door slammed shut behind me and I was in a new land that looked the same but was all different.
Kinda like in Coraline.
Photo Credit: IMDB
I was fortunate enough to have my best friends become mothers at the same time as me, but of course, most of my friends don’t have kids.
And although I finally understood a bunch of stuff, I also didn’t see what I was becoming.
A typical mum.
For you, my friends who aren’t parents, the changes that have happened to me seem cliche and you may be thinking to yourself “but she could put a bit of makeup on when she leaves her cave under the rock…”
So in this post, I’d like to address some of the infamous things people do when they become parents.
1. Why I haven’t called
I’m sorry if I don’t call you enough. The thing is, I feel like you probably don’t want to be up at 8:30 on a Saturday morning to eat at a child friendly cafe.
To parents, 8am is half way through the day, ok, I’ve most likely been up since 4am that morning and I need coffee, I need food, and I need to do it in a place that contains my children and entertains them while I eat. Because children run and do crazy shit.
But I have the same idea as every other parent and so you won’t just have to deal with my kids, you have to deal with the noise of other people’s children! Even I don’t like that, I’ve just accepted that that’s my life now.
So I feel like I don’t want to subject you to that.
2. Baby Spam
Imagine you’ve just been hired at a prestigious garden and your sole purpose is to tend to tomatoes.
And as the tomato starts to grow, suddenly the newest leaf, the tiniest blossom, the most seemingly insignificant moment, but moment nonetheless, becomes your obsession.
You take a photo here, take a photo there; you see nothing else but the plant that has become your life.
You want the world to know that it took you days of watering, of caring, of talking softly, clipping dead leaves, and now here it is, your plant, your tomato.
That’s what having kids is like.
That’s why you get spammed.
Soz not soz.
3. Why I haven’t put effort into the way I look
You’re probably wondering why I look like death warmed up when you see me. My hair is all over the place, there are dark circles under my eyes, I’m pale and looking sickly.
That’s actually my natural state.
I mean, sure, I’m perpetually sleep deprived, I haven’t washed my hair or shaved my legs in days/weeks, and sometimes I eat chocolate for lunch, but generally speaking, that’s the way I actually look.
A good day for a parent is when they leave the house with spew-free clothes, and all children in a relatively happy mood.
Putting on make up and considering my outfit options is the last thing on my mind as I’m leaving the house. “Do I have pants on? Yes? Bra? Yes? Great!” is my entire thought process.
And on the rare occasion I do put on make up and perfume while I’m out with the kids, my children touch my face a lot and get all up in my biz, so they end up all coloured and smelling funny.
I don’t enjoy that.
4. Do not come to my house – I’ll meet you out
It used to be so nice having you come to my house for dinner, that one time it happened, but I do not have the energy to have anyone in my space. Remember how house proud I am?
It’s not just the hour or two that you’re here. It’s the lead up. It’s having to clean all the areas you will likely see, like the kitchen, living room, toilet, sink – that’s a lot of work.
And then I probably have to feed you, which means I have to prepare the meal, dish it up, clean up the house again after you leave… also a lot of work.
You know what’s not a lot of work? Paying someone to do it all for me and just going to a fucking restaurant.
5. How I feel about your “thank god I don’t have kids” thoughts and comments
You think I don’t feel your indifference and lack of enthusiasm towards my kids, but I’m telling you right now, I do.
And it’s totally ok. I get that kids aren’t on your mind right now, maybe you live on a planet where there will never be kids in your life, and again, that’s totally cool with me.
But if you do want to see me and hang out, you have to understand that tomatoes are a part of my life and insisting on picking them out of your salad will just create distance between us.
I still love you
To conclude, dear friend, I probably still love you. Depending on who you are of course, because having kids is also a great way of culling losers from your life.
But that’s probably not you!
And I’m sorry if we’ve been distant, I’m (not really) sorry that I look a right mess when you see me and I’m certainly sorry for making you drive to the suburbs at 8am on a weekend while you’re sufficiently hung over.
I just live in a world that starts really early and is controlled by gorgeous, tiny tyrants. And I can’t help but love them and talk about them and spam you with them.
But I promise when it’s your turn to have a child or puppy or new plant, I will do my best to shower you with understanding and point out if you’ve forgotten to zip up your pants or wear a bra.
All is fair in parenting and leaving the house.
Thanks for stopping by, and until next time, ADIOS MOTHERF***ERS!