I remember that time before I was a parent, when I used to sleep in or leave the house after 7pm to do stuff, like see a movie or buy bread.
Those were some good times.
And every time I would see a parent parenting, I swore I would do it better. My kid wouldn’t throw tantrums like that because I would teach them not to do that shit.
I said all sorts of silly things, because in reality I had no idea what was going to happen.
And then I had my first baby, and what a world it opened up! Suddenly, a bunch of stuff I said before I was a parent, became laughable.
Let us go through all of the ways my kids made a fool of me…
1. I will not negotiate with terrorists
“I am the parent, she is the child, I am the parent, she is the child.”
I often have to remember that I make the rules, but mostly, that’s a big fat lie I tell myself.
In reality, it’s a nice thought that my two year old will comply with all my wishes, but when my kid is screaming her face off, tears streaming down her face, because it’s 8 degrees outside and she doesn’t want a jumper, one has to re-evaluate what kind of day one wants to have, and make quick decisions.
Thus, one gives in to a terrorist.
Well played kid, well played.
2. The kid will go to sleep when I say
HAHAHAHAHA what a joke!
We have tried EVERYTHING with the two year old. Putting her to sleep at 7pm means we’ll spend the next two hours in the dark while she twists and turns.
Putting her to sleep at 9pm means she’ll be over-tired and lots of crying ensues.
Trying at 8ish is our best bet and although it still takes an hour or so of trying, at least she’s not crying and carrying on.
Although we are supposed to dictate when she’ll go to sleep, so she gets enough and grows to be big and strong, in reality, she is already big and strong and I’ll pay you $50 if you can get her to sleep in less than 15 minutes.
3. Eat dinner or go hungry
Except, I love my kid and I want her to be fed.
The two year old is going through a stage of eating brown foods only. Rice, noodles (so Asian!), bread/toast/toasties, meat, potatoes, weetbix. I think I just named all the food that my kid will eat.
She also eats all fruit, and I’d say that’s where she gets most of her vitamins.
But the kid has won the ultimate psychological warfare because although she now eats dinner when I make it, I only make what I know she’ll eat. And so, no more tears! From anyone!
4. The kid will not eat sugar too young
Yep, I said this one too. My kid will only have natural foods until they are two.
Except, two years is a long time, and very quickly do kids learn about naughty foods.
That wasn’t even entirely our fault, we have a village raising these two kids, and somewhere along the village path, they were introduced to everything from kinder surprise eggs to McDonald’s chips.
All in moderation, calm down.
5. I will use cloth nappies
LOL, this one is funny too. Do you know how much laundry I have to do with two adults and two babies? A shit-ton.
Yep, if I did a load a day (which I definitely don’t!) I would still not keep on top of the laundry.
The kids play in dirt, and they spew and eat gooey foods, and shit and drool and paint. And then there’s the Husband who changes his socks everyday and insists on wearing a clean shirt to work…
And as much as I know I’m being an asshole to Mother-Earth and adding more to the rubbish that’s drowning dolphins (that’s a serious issue, I’m sorry to be a dick), I simply could not bring myself to wash 50 nappies a day. Sorry!
6. No screen time
Jijowe is now a very important part of the family. Jijowe is my daughter’s iPad and I am embarrassed to say that she even has one, let alone that it has a name.
No one knows what Jijowe means, she started saying it as soon as she could talk and it will remain Jijowe forever.
Jijowe is used in the evenings after dinner and in the mornings while we’re all getting used to being awake. Then sometimes in the mid morning and then the afternoons. Some days we don’t watch it at all, other days that’s all we do. Which brings me to my next and last point…
7. We will do daily crafts
This one also makes me want to laugh out loud. Crafts? Every day? With a toddler??
I can hardly keep the house clean as it is!!
I don’t want glitter and twigs and leaves and paint all over the house!
We already have a paint station and it has a very decorative blue-splotched floors. That mess can remain contained in that area, thanks very much!
Doing it daily is too much for my sleepy brain. Hell, doing it monthly is too much for me! There’s just not enough coffee in the world, sorry kid.
But don’t worry, she has an iPad to occupy her…
I’m sorry to all the parents I judged before I became one
So there, I confess, I was judgemental and I thought I could do better. I’m sorry for all the side eye I dished when I’d see a kid throwing themselves on the floor of a shopping center. I didn’t know any better. I am wiser now.
Adios amigos, don’t be judgey…