Coffee Shop Talk Parenting Stories

8 Realities of the Postpartum Body

8 scary truths about the woman's body after giving birth and beyond!

I’m almost 4 months postpartum with my second baby and I have some realities to share with you…

I love my babies, they are my world. But my 4 month old has reminded me of all the delights that the postpartum body has to offer! Here are the top 8 things happening to me right now and that could very well happen to you.

Aside from the absolute expansion of my heart, a few other things have expanded, so let’s get stuck into it.

PS: If you are my family, you may not want to read some of the following truths…

1. You might lose your hair

Remember how beautiful and luscious your hair was during pregnancy? Well, you can wave goodbye to that hair because it all falls out.

I shit you not, I am getting bald patches as you read. The amount of hair I’m losing is alarming and if I hadn’t been through it before, I’d be concerned.

20180627_170445

Actual photo of a clump of my hair after a shower.

But fear not, it will come back. You’ll just have loads of fly away’s for around 6 months until they are long enough to join the rest of your pony tail…

2. You might start growing hair – in all the wrong places!

Yep, that’s right! Believe it or not, I now have a mo that would put my 15 year old nephews to shame. I haven’t had a mo like this since I was 13!

Nothing a little wax (or a lot of wax) can’t fix!

3. Your *ahem* downstairs will never be the same

Sounds obvious but a girl can always hope that it won’t happen to her! Unfortunately, two natural births tend to change things up down there, including the brand new cluster of grapes that now protects my asshole… yep, I’m just as mortified!

several bunch of grapes

Also, what used to be a delicate studio apartment has now turned into a giant cave and the additional space can be… interesting… during…. sex. At least this king of farting doesn’t smell.

4. The boobs, oh, the boobs!

Need I say more? You go from gorgeous, perky, friendly boobs, to dangerously full of milk boobs; so much so that you’re scared to hug people lest you leave that liquid gold all over your companions shirt.

And then, the worst part, the milk is gone. And what’s left? Sacks. Sad sacks. Sacks you’re scared that you’ll tuck into your pants when getting dressed.

da7811d9-b1ce-4c4e-ba57-2f8c45b33dab

This part I have no good news about. Soz.

5. Tiger marks A.K.A. Stretch marks

This one can be a toughie, because some women get royally fucked by stretch marks. And this is when you find out that vanity is poison because a few stretch marks can send you into a spiral of self loathing.

I’ve been fortunate and remain rather unscathed by that devil which is why I’m not going back for thirds. I’m not letting that little fucker ruin a good thing (see, I can call that kid a little fucker because that kid will never exist.)

6. Speaking of skin… are those pimples?

Accompanying the return of my mow is a brand new batch of pimples, because fuck you hormones! I really do look like a teenager without the youth factor…

7. Why so dull? Because the life is being sucked out of me!

And if all of that wasn’t enough- breastfeeding the baby is literally sucking the life out of me! So there goes my iron and all the good shit that’s normally swimming around in my body…

8. Weight gain

Another obvious one, but you gain weight. I only wanted to mention this one because your body will recover and you will most likely return to your usual body.

Oops, my pre-baby body! How’d that get in there??

Trouble is, now you’re probably older than 20 and the metabolism tends to trip you up here… so a bit of exercise and not eating all the chocolate muffins you made for the kid, may help…

Let’s recap

So, I’m pimply, I’m heavy and full of milk, I’m losing my hair and sometimes, I fart during sex and not from the right place…

But I’m happy! Albeit, a little tired and occasionally clinically insane, but generally speaking, happy.

Because I have never felt a greater love, for my children, for my husband and for myself. Because housing and ultimately expelling a watermelon through a tiny hole in your body is a pure miracle and my body performed that magic not once but twice!

What’s not to love?

So, take care mothers and enjoy your walking and talking watermelons full of love and seeds. To them, you are everything!

B.

20180613_102109

4 comments

  1. OMG Bildo – I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!! You are so freakin talented with how you incorporate words together, you’re funny as shit, you’re raw and tender and honest and well fuck – I just love you … 🙂 Can’t wait to read more of what you have to say about everything – you’re the absolute bomb diggity … xoxo

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.