Romantic cliches are cliches for a reason.

So I have this friend, right?

She’s recently had her second and last baby. She’s no longer breastfeeding. And her body is back to being her body again.

blonde hair blur daylight environment

With the raging hormones, she’s noticed that she has feelings again that were long forgotten.

Feelings down… there.

Catch up with I am Hormonal, Hear me Roar and Sex and Marriage.

Yep, guys, I like my husband again.

I mean, she likes her husband again.

Ah, screw it, we all know what’s happening here.

Bringing back the romance

As we discussed in Sex and Marriage, having small children, no sleep and no time to yourself, having sex is the last thing on the mind of a mother come the end of the evening.

But not for this mother, not anymore.

In the spirit of enjoying my alone time with the Husband, I have started using every single romantic cliche to improve and maximize our 15 minutes of pleasure.

So here are my handy tips for improving your sex life that are guaranteed to work:

1. Candles

You think you’re above it, you think you don’t need it, you think wrong.

Candles are the age old trick for setting the right mood and lighting. There is something so peaceful about having a candle lit room, even if you can still see candle lit toys scattered around the house.

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If you can get your hands on some beautiful smelling candles, not like the vanilla ones you get at the two dollar shop, but ones actually designed for you to get your groove on – I would go with that.

Personal recommendation is the Caramel flavoured ones from Honey Birdette, that I don’t have at home right now and didn’t use last night.

Also, remember that it will take you literally 10 seconds to light a few candles so add it to the list!

2. Slow Jams

Honestly, if you’re not playing the Spotify Slow Jams list to get it on, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Setting a beat and having some background music to get lost in, with images of LL Cool J or Keith Urban or whatever your preference is swaying around you, cannot be a bad thing. At. All.

woman in green top with man in black long sleeved shirt holding autographed brown guitar

This will significantly improve your thoughts when trying to shake the day that you just had, and it will get you in the mood for what’s about to go down. Or who’s about to go down…

3. Make a Move

Which brings us to our next point – someone has to make the move, so why not you? Get it together, light some candles, get some music on and make your partner happy by seducing them.

pexels-photo-1597684.jpegIn my experience, and we’ve discussed this before, nothing turns a dude on like seeing their significant other naked. But seeing them naked with candles lit and some slow jams playing? You’ll be bathing in brownie points for weeks!

4. Foreplay for the win

You have to put the time in. Bread doesn’t just bake, you have to knead it first.

baking pastry dough bakeryDon’t skip the most important step of your bread making, and start slow, build it up. You can’t just go in for the kill. No one likes sand-paper sex.

That’s all I have on that subject, you know what to do.

5. Timing is everything

We all know what happens.

The kids go to sleep at different times, you’ve had a long ass day, you want to eat dinner in peace and relax before you go to bed.

apartment bed carpet chairBut you also need to reserve some time for you and your other half and right before you go to sleep is not the right time!

You’re tired, you’ve been sitting on that couch all that time, why the hell are you trying to get in the mood for sex now when you’re clearly in the mood for sleep.

The answer?

As soon as the kids go to sleep, you’re on! Don’t waste those precious minutes, definitely don’t eat dinner first (that will weigh you down and make you more sleepy) and let’s face it – hangry sex will probably just elevate the whole experience!

You’re Welcome

So there, housewives and husbands, people with small children, those of you who have been in long term relationships, the good people of the world – you’re welcome!

Enacting any or all of the cliches you see in movies is guaranteed to improve your sex life.

silhouettes of couple kissing against sunsetBecause candles are better than a glaring TV, slow jams are better than listening to David Attenborough talk about ant colonies, and making a move and taking it slow before dinner will have you asking yourself why you don’t do all this more often.

Side note: Sorry (not sorry) to my friends and family that will have to look me in my eye and smell caramel every time you come in to my house.

Now go and make some good, good lovin’!

(And let me know if it works…)

Adios my sexy amigos!

B.

Author: Billi Milovanovic

Billi, A.K.A Bildo, is a freelance writer and she has loved writing since Hotmail accounts were cool – her 15 childhood diaries will attest to that. She’s birthed a couple of little Bildo’s, been with her adoring Husband for over a decade and they would describe themselves about as happy as clams can be. Not that that means he reads this blog – although he really should, seeing as he features in it quite frequently.