“And they’ll sing! And they’ll sing! And they’ll SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Who Christmas Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
Why for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
I must stop Christmas from coming! But how?”Dr. Seuss
Yep, I think I already hate Christmas.
You know what it is?
I think I hate overly enthusiastic people, just in general. And I also hate being stressed out, I avoid that at all cost.
Catch up with My Evolution from Grinch to Elf.
But during the Christmas period, those are basically the only two kinds of people that fucking exist!
It’s either the overly enthusiastic people who sing along to all the Christmas tunes and talk about which wrapping paper will suit their home decorations…
…you get the manic stress heads that are running around cluelessly because they thought they had it all sorted this year just to remember that they forgot aunt Jan and uncle John who are making a surprise appearance at their mother’s Christmas dinner this year.
Well, you know what?
Fuck aunt Jan and uncle John if I have to battle their family, along with the whole city of late shoppers, to buy some goddamn milk.
And therein lies the Grinch within me.
I must stop Christmas from coming, but how?
What’s worse is that I have my own Jan and John to shop for and it’s stressful buying people stuff because you have to.
Shouldn’t I just buy my loved ones gifts when I find something I know they’ll like?
Like, recently, I bought a bunch of MacDonald’s socks for all my closest girlfriends because I love them and we all love big macs.
Or the random gifts I send to the Husband to his work, like a Boomf Box or a mug with a weird picture of myself that says “Happy coffee drinking, motherfucker!”
It’s a legit job getting everything ready
And it’s not just the shopping either.
…you don’t need to buy me fancy soap for me to know how much you appreciate me.
Someone has to wrap all that shit up.
Oh, the wrapping, the wrapping, the WRAP, WRAP, WRAP, WRAPPING!
And the more I think of all the presents I have to wrap, the more I think, “well Christmas is just crap!”
I clearly don’t like exerting any effort. And frankly, I don’t like anyone putting in any effort with me. Honestly, like, show me you love me, that’s cool, but you don’t need to buy me fancy soap for me to feel that love.
And don’t for one second think…
…that anyone is getting any Christmas cards this year!
You know what I would write in every. single. card?
“Merry Christmas, I love you so much, see you on the flip side, hope you have a great one, bla bla bla, love, Bildo!”
There – now you don’t need a fancy card.
I may have one regret
Remember how we spoke about me getting excited over my big beautiful Christmas tree this year?
Well, it’s not happening anymore.
I mean, on the one hand, I’m like PHEW, no effort required! On the other hand, I know that the kids would have liked to have a tree this year.
But you know what my crawler baby would LOVE?
Pulling down the Christmas tree on herself. Yep, this one likes to crawl and climb and put shit in her mouth. The other day, I caught her chewing on a loose piece of concrete.
Like, wtf, kid?
It’s like she’s preparing for her role as Jaws from James Bond.
I know what you’re thinking
I know people think we’re crazy for making such a big deal about not making a big deal about Christmas.
What I think is weird is that people feel so passionately about us not following “tradition”.
The thing is that I just don’t feel that strongly about doing any of it.
When I told one of my friends recently that we’ve decided against putting a tree up so the baby doesn’t pull it down, she promptly responded with a bunch of suggestions to still put the tree up without the crawler attacking it.
The thing is that I just don’t feel that strongly about doing any of it. And I don’t get offended when other people don’t want to celebrate shit.
Just leave me in my Grinchy peace and we will all get along just fine this holiday season.
But aren’t you hosting Christmas this year, Bildo?
Yea, yea, yea, I’ll get some tinsel and clear out some space for the presents. Calm down.
I know you’re all busy shopping and decorating, so I’ll let you go.
Tell me – is there anyone else out there boycotting Christmas? Holla at me!
Peace and happy shopping and decorating, suckerrrrrs!