Since writing up a couple of posts about my marriage, people have been feeling slightly sorry for the Husband, who is just fine.
The Husband and I have been together since Usher was cool and in that time he’s taught me important life lessons like the usefulness of good communication, why I should love my body and why fishing is the most important sport in the world.
So in the spirit of celebrating my other half, let’s look at the lessons the Husband taught me.
1. Men are people too
I’d like kick off with this one because when I get upset with the Husband, I overthink everything so severely that it turns out he’s a Russian (but Asian) spy who has been undercover for 13 years in the lead up to upsetting me over the way he stacks the dishwasher.
So I get real condescending and mean and I often forget that he is a person. He has feelings too.
That’s a time when I like to play the game “would my husband ever say this to me?”
And the truth is, he never would. Because he says that being angry is not a nice feeling so he only says things when they really upset him, which is hardly ever.
The Lesson: Don’t speak to men like they are numpties even though sometimes it seems like they are. If you don’t want him to speak to you that way, you need to play nice too.
2. Flaunt yo’self!
You know how women always hate something about themselves? Before I had kids, it was my legs and thighs; I had cellulite here, hair there. It was a lot of self doubt and a lot of embarrassment that was not worthy of my time.
Now that I’ve had kids, there are jiggly bits in places I didn’t even know possible. Like, how can your ribs be fat??
But the Husband has never let me be shy about the way I look. It appears that men love seeing naked women more than they care about the stupid details us women obsess over.
The Lesson: Be naked more! That should make him happy.
3. Look but don’t touch
This is a controversial one, although I don’t understand why.
The Husband has always been so attentive to me, that calling another woman good looking never felt disrespectful. Just fact.
I have absolutely NO problem with the Husband finding other women attractive. I myself, find plenty of other men attractive. And we are not shy about telling each other.
If a beautiful woman was walking towards us, he would alert me. If a gorgeous man walked past us, I would probably make a noise akin to a hyena in heat.
He taught me that being honest about this is natural and there’s no point in trying to suppress it. We are both human, we have been together for a long time and we know the boundaries.
Am I worried that encouraging this will make a cheater out of the Husband? Absolutely not.
Being open about attraction towards other people doesn’t make men cheat. Being assholes makes men cheat. And let us not forget that women cheat too.
The Lesson: Being attracted to other people is ok. Touching them is not.
4. Hobbies are life
A few years ago, the Husband (then boyfriend) and I broke up because I was being a stage 5 clinger. That’s right, it was about the time I moved to Italy and on my return from overseas, I wouldn’t let him out of my sight.
I was clingy, crazy, cuckoo, call it what you want.
The truth is, I didn’t have a hobby, something I enjoyed by myself. I relied on him to make me happy and when he wanted to go fishing, and I didn’t, this caused some massive conflict between us.
Since then, I got my shit together and I have tried about a billion different things.
Although I don’t have just one lifelong passion, like fucking fishing, I finally understand that I need to let him do the thing he loves and if that means we don’t see each other for half a day, or week, than for the sake of making him happy, he can go, as long as he brings fish home for dinner. And takes a child with him.
The Lesson: Have a hobbie and let him enjoy his!
5. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission
This is probably the best lesson the Husband has taught me and it came in real handy just recently when I decided to throw a party. Without really telling him.
With the year wrapping up, I wanted to have a bit of a backyard bash. In my head I had it all planned out – how many people, what kind of food and drinks, the set up, the equipment, the music, everything.
What I didn’t think about doing, was telling the Husband about it.
I mean, I had spoken to him, I’d been telling him for months this is what we’ll do, but when the time came to send out the invitations, he got one like everyone else.
And when I started explaining his role to him, he ever so sweetly asked if next time, I could actually tell him about the party before I decide to go ahead and invite half of Brisbane.
Sure darling, of course I will.
The whole time thinking, well, easier to say sorry than to ask you to begin with. Something he taught me with his many fishing trips plenty of times!
The Lesson: Asking for forgiveness instead of permission will piss your other half off but you will get shit done.
So there, husbands and boyfriends of the world, I hope your wives and girlfriends let you go fishing this weekend and wait for you when you get home – naked!
Not that my Husband will be getting any of that himself this weekend, but he doesn’t read my blog so that’s his own fault.
Thanks for stopping by and until next time, adios!