Coffee Shop Talk Stories

Honey, can we get a guinea pig?

Can you guess what the Husband will say??

“Ok, I gotta ask you something and I’m serious, ok?” I was preparing the Husband for something he was not prepared to hear.

“Ok…” he says suspiciously.

“Ok, but seriously, think about it first. Can we get a guinea pig?” I ask, hopeful, but knowing what he’d say.

“NO! What?? Can we talk about this when I get home?”

“Ok, but I really think I want one.”

“If you get this thing, I will not be responsible for it, this will be on you!”

Damn! I didn’t butter him up enough.

But the thing is, I really wanted one.

Here’s the thing

My sister in law calls me, her other sister has a guinea pig, Luna, and they got a friend for Luna but Luna is like “get that fucking guy out of my cage.”

So now there’s no home for newbie and they’re asking if I want one.

Now, if you know me, you’ll know I’m not huge on animals, or pets. I have had two dogs in my life, both of which my mother is now taking care of, because I am a terrible pet parent. This is Tiffy, gifted by an ex-boyfriend, still kicking it with mumsy:

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I don’t like hair everywhere, I don’t like responsibility, I’m not huge on having another dependent or taking daily walks.

But…

Growing up in Yugoslavia, we owned rabbits. We had a sweet little white bunny, (that we may or may not have eaten in a stew when he got fat and juicy, reports are still unconfirmed) and I loved him (yuuum!) (JOKES).

And we also owned hamsters and they were also sweet and adorable, except there was this one time we went away on holiday and I believe my one ate my brother’s one out of hunger *we are the champioonsss, my hamster frieeenddsss…*

Anyway, much as I don’t like having pets, I love little furry animals!

So when I got that phone call, for the first time in my adult life, I thought to myself “I’m gonna get a fucking guinea pig!”

But…

My older kid isn’t huge on pets either. She is kinda scared of animals. She doesn’t like furry things moving.

Which just makes me think that I should definitely get the guinea pig and teach her that animals aren’t scary – not really?

Guinea pigs aren’t rabid, are they??

What do I know about guinea pigs?

Nothing.

Zilch.

Nada.

But I can google! And here’s what I found at wikihow.pet:

Ok, I need a cage.

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And they will need paper flooring for their fragile feet. Which I will have to change once or twice a week. And I will need something called a fleece blanket that I will have to clean daily…

Oh, dear.

Adopt two or more guinea pigs so they are not lonely… and they need to be introduced gently because otherwise they will kill each other.

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Ok, this is getting worse.

And I’ll need equipment like a water jug thing and a hay dispenser.

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And they need fresh vegetables daily.

Man, this thing will be harder to care for then my kids!

And it needs play toys!

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Can you tell that I’m talking myself out of this as I type?

And if I have a dude guinea pig, I have to check his pee wee herman?!

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Gee, I hope the guinea pig on offer is a lady!

I can’t even look after plants

Have I ever told you about the time I wanted a plant, knowing full well I’m bad at keeping things alive? I went to the flower shop at the markets and I told the lady that I’m bad at being attentive to plants and whatnot, but I’d still like one.

She directs me to this one, I don’t know what it’s called, so let’s call it ‘greeny’. She said that I’ll only have to water it every few days, and that it will live happily indoors.

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Well, much to my surprise, it’s still alive, well over a year old. I boasted to the Husband that I’ve been keeping the plant alive successfully which was weird because I haven’t watered it in ages.

He said that of course it’s stayed alive, because he’s the one who was watering it.

Oops.

And due to his dedication and gardening skills, we have successfully grown children for the plant, and my house is being overtaken by greeny and his disciples.

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Will I get a guinea pig?

Look, I think we’re all by now aware that it’s probably not a good idea for me to get a guinea pig. Although I am home most days, I don’t know if I can be responsible to provide the love, care and genitalia checks that are required for the health and well being of the guinea pig.

But I still really want oneeee….

But it’s not fair to gamble on a life if I’m not sure…

I might wait for the kids to be old enough to help me out.

So that’s that.

Feeling kinda sad though…

If only I can get the Husband excited.

Anyway, going to be with my thoughts, adios and look after your pets, ya’ll!

B.

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