Food Parenting Stories

I may be a wife, but I’m hardly wife material

Remember that time I tried to make pizza... #fail

Just because I’m Yugoslav and have all the ingredients to make a great housewife, does NOT mean that I can cook.  I cook basic things. But it turns out pizza isn’t as basic as I thought.  Let me tell you about the time I made a pizza from scratch.

Bildo’s Famous Roast Chicken Recipe

Look, I can cook, I’m not totally useless, but it’s not my forte. You want my famous roast chicken recipe? Here it is:

Ingredients:

– 1 chicken
– 5 potatoes
– 2 extra potatoes
– Loads of Vegeta
– Loads of salt
– Loads of oil

Method:

1. Preheat oven (I just crank it to 250)
2. Put chicken in roast dish, oil and vegeta the shit out of it.
3. Put it into the oven to warm up while you peel and cut potatoes.
4. Vegeta and salt the shit out of the potatoes (because my mother says that vegeta is sweet, so you need salt)
5. Put it in with the chicken, turn the oven down to a reasonable temperature. 180-220.
6. Wait until you finish all your evening chores and about maybe 40 minutes to an hour later, you get it all out.

VOILA, BITCH!

calories chicken chopping board cooked
Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

Your chicken may be a little overcooked (depending on your evening chores), your potatoes may be extra crunchy but you will have dinner, and because Vegeta is involved, it’ll be delicious!

I will cook this specialty for my family at least once a week. My other recipes include steak on a bbq with potatoes and salad, lamb on a bbq with potatoes and salad and of course chicken on a bbq with potatoes and salad.

So you would be surprised to know that I tried making my own pizza. Let’s calm down, I used my bread maker to make the dough. But I put all the ingredients in!

Bildo tries to make Pizza

I thought that once I made the dough, all I have to do was put toppings on it. BOYYYY was I wrong!

So I have this dough, right, and it’s grown HUGE, it’s hit the lid of the bread maker and I’m all excited. I pour it out onto a dish and cover it with glad wrap while I get a few things ready. So far, so good.

I chop everything up, and now all I have to do is spread the dough out and put stuff on it.

What do I need, I ask myself. I need a flat pan! Ok, I get a flat pan thing and then I get some alfoil for the tray so my pizza doesn’t stick. But, my dough is sticky and it will stick. What prevents stuff from sticking?

Butter!

I get the butter out and now I’m using the stick of butter to butter the alfoil, feeling smart. I then pour the dough onto the buttered alfoil and this is the first time I think to myself, this doesn’t seem right, my pizza will be buttery! But buttery is never bad, so this feeling passes quickly.

And then that feeling returns. Because now I’m trying to spread out the dough but it’s sticking to my fingers. Hmmm…. What will prevent the dough from sticking to my fingers……

OIL!

So I’m getting the oil out when the husband returns from putting the kid to sleep.

I’m all like, holy shit, I’m trying to spread out this fucking dough but it’s sticking to my hands – all the while I’m mere milliseconds away from a drop of oil landing on the palm of my hand. The Husband suddenly says WAIT!

How many of you are yelling at your screen right now, saying “USE THE FUCKING FLOUR!!”??

Thankfully, the husband (in a nicer manner) suggested that I use flour. And as soon as he did, I said “OHHH GENIUS” and he said “oh my god”.

ANYWAY, we’re back on track, he gets the flour out and now I have to pick up the dough so he can get some flour under it and over the top of it. Thankfully, the butter prevented it from sticking when I picked it up. SO I’m manhandling this pizza dough, trying to spread it out. I’m lifting it like an Italian and although I’m not brave enough to throw it, I think back at all the movies I’ve watched and I think, ok, this seems about right.

man making pizza dough
Photo by Fancycrave.com on Pexels.com

(Actual image of me. Working at a pizza shop?)

But this is breaking my dough, so I get back to spreading it, squishing it from the middle out to the edges.

Eventually, I manage to get it somewhat even. Some areas of the edges are too thick, so I pop a bit of cheese on and fold the fat bit over. That’ll do it.

Now comes the part that I’d been working towards. I put on my toppings!

40 ish minutes later, it’s done and it looks amazing:

Buuuuut in reality what I made was pizza bread. It was SOOO bready.

In hindsight, I probably should have consulted my friend Google. Ask “I made pizza dough, now what?”. Because perhaps it would have told me the following:

1. Cut the dough up into 4 pieces and make each one a pizza base, not use all the dough!

2. Use the fucking flour and knead the dough first. AHHHAA! That would have helped!

3. Use a goddamn rolling pin to flatten the pizza out… Another AHA moment.

But it’s fine, next time (if I dare again) I’ll do things a little differently. On second thought, how much easier is it to just buy pizza?

If there’s a meal you’d like to suggest I make, I’d be happy to try! Please join the conversation and set me a challenge!

Until next time, please remember to get cooking help if you need it…

B.

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