Let me be clear – I love my husband. I adore him. I couldn’t live without him. I wouldn’t want to.
But man, he says some stupid shit sometimes.
I have no doubt in my mind that the Husband could write about a dozen posts on “Horrific Shit the Wife Says” but he’ll need his own blog for that.
Or maybe he’ll write one for The Blog of Bildo…? (I make no promises about publishing it and good luck to him if it doesn’t praise me!)
Anyway, dreaming aside and without further ado, here are some silly things the Husband says that make me want to throttle him.
I’m sorry, what?
Ok, look. It’s not that he’s not allowed to be tired. It’s not that I don’t believe him. But if sleeping through the night, or at least having much fewer disturbances, is still making him tired, then he does not want to live my life.
I get up with the baby at least two times during the night, and both times is literally getting out of bed, boiling water, making a bottle, feeding the kid and then of course I have to pee… you get the gist.
So if anyone is going to be tired in this house, it’s going to be me!
“But I cleaned the kitchen last week”
Oh did you? Oh my apologies, please have a seat and make sure you be a dear and lift your feet WHILE I VACUUM UNDER YOU, YOUR HIGHNESS!
Motherfucker, I have cleaned the kitchen about a dozen times just yesterday. That is my life.
Ladies, you know those times you clean the house constantly (we all know how good I am at house cleaning) and you just want a fucking break so you stop cleaning for the day and your husband comes home and is like “what happened here??”
You know what happened? I took a fucking break!
But he cleans the kitchen once and I hear about it for the next three days.
What I should start doing is giving him a daily list of all the stuff I did that day, like:
- cleaned the kitchen x 4
- unloaded the dishwasher x 2
- put away laundry basket x 5
- the dusting…
Ok, let’s not be ridiculous, that happens only when my mother in law comes over (because she’s the one who does the dusting).
“I don’t know why you find her hard sometimes”
He almost lost a body part for saying this to me recently.
We’re referring to the toddler of course, who is a beautiful child, so well mannered and delightful – until she’s not.
When I have the kids by myself during the week, I will at times call the Husband to come home early lest he come home to one less child.
Because sometimes her protests over wanting cheerios instead of real fucking food, are just too much for my brain. Because there are times when her constant whining over one thing or another slowly eat away at my patience.
And the longest period of time the Husband has spent with both kids together is probably, like, 4 hours. And even then, you’ll probably find him at his mother’s house. Which is cheating!
“Putting the laundry away is my least favourite chore”
Because it’s my fucking FAVOURITE!
I HATE putting the laundry away. You wanna look at my spare bedroom??
It’s not that he shuns all the laundry, just putting it away. And I’m not even kidding when I say that he would never actually put this laundry away. We would live like this forever if it was up to him. This is one job that is exclusively mine.
He would now say that he does all the yard work and if I wanted to swap, we can, to which I would snappily reply that I’m happy doing the laundry, thank you very much (because gardening sucks!)
“I’ll just have one more drink”
Famous last words.
Because one more drink means taking the next bus home, which is promptly missed. Then that turns into, well I might as well stay until the next bus, and so on.
This hasn’t happened in a while because I turn into the Medusa on his return home.
But the few times it has happened, the thing that irks me is that I wouldn’t care if we didn’t have kids and it was just me at home. I would have myself a nice glass of wine and enjoy my peace. Hell, I’d probably be out with him!
But when I’ve been at my work all day (and staying at home with kids is a job!) and I’m waiting for the Husband to come home and take over so I can shower or pee in peace, and he’s out having “just one more drink” – well, that makes me want to grow snakes on my head and eat him alive.
“I bet other couples are having more sex than we are”
And I bet they are not.
Seriously, we have had this conversation loads of times, and I’m pretty sure that we are a normal couple with children.
Certainly we’ve had our ups and downs, we’ve been together for over a decade and that’s bound to happen. Then of course we had kids, and I’m sure you’ve read my post on sex and marriage and how having young kids really kills the groove.
But I can with assurance say that the couples that are having sex four times a week after 13 years together and two babies, are the unicorns. Not us!
A note to the Husband
I know you don’t read my blog but now is not the time to start, darling.
Because I know I haven’t painted you in the best light.
But you’ll be glad to know that I have been penning you a love letter for a long time now, it’s just that “Reasons Why I love the Husband” gets really cheesy and I know how we both feel about cheese.
I will write to you here, in the most loving of ways, one day.
But until then, can you please help me put some of that laundry away, that’s going to take me fucking forever.
PS: There’s another load in the dryer.
To my ladies
Thanks for visiting and if you have any gems to add to the list of silly things your partner says, I would LOVE to hear from you!
Adios and until next time, stay sexy and don’t get murdered!