With only four weeks in a month, women experience approximately one good one, without any acne or hormonal rages or bleeding profusely.
That’s right, today we’re talking about periods!
Men, don’t you dare log off! You need to know what we go through for approximately 40 years of our lives, almost every single month.
Is this going to last forever?
I remember when I was 13 and got my first period. I actually don’t remember my first one as such, I remember my second one. I remember thinking “but it only finished a few weeks ago, how is it back already?!”
I remember thinking – is this going to happen for the rest of my life, every month?
Yes. The answer is yes.
At least till I’m 60 or so.
And every month, I go through a roller coaster of feelings, emotions, skin inflammations, sweaty crotch or butt sweats; all for the sake of being fertile and contributing to society and human-hood.
So it’s only fair that we women talk about our periods and complain about them. And for all the men rolling their eyes and thinking “just deal with it,” when you start bleeding from your dick once a month and having to find the perfect fit tampon, come and talk to me then.
The Four Weeks of Crazy
Let’s talk about what happens during a woman’s cycle. Let’s talk about my four weeks of crazy.
Week 1: The week of groveling
I will start with the first week after the period ends, the second week of the cycle.
The sun is shining. The birds are singing. I love everyone. This is the week of groveling.
Groveling because I know I’m a psycho at least one or two weeks a month, so I use this as a week of clarity to love and appreciate those around me.
You want three breakfasts because you didn’t like the first two? No problems! Don’t have any clean clothes? Let’s do some laundry!
It’s a new day and I’m feeling as normal as one feels when one has a monthly bloody waterfall to prepare for. Skin is looking good, I’m chirpy af, I like the Husband and the children again – all is swell.
Week 2: The ever-changing body
Trouble is already brewing. In the lead-up to the middle of the month when ovulation begins, I start getting headaches, I get cranky, I need more sleep and I need more love. I mean cuddles, not sex. Sex is ok too, if you can get me without children and between headaches.
This week, I’m still keeping it together and I’m managing daily life relatively well. But as the week comes to its end, as ovulation starts to oil it’s wheels, as cramping starts rearing it’s fugly head, I get one step closer to the crazy.
Fun Fact: Ovulation symptoms are the same as the symptoms one might be feeling at the beginning of pregnancy – which is either a nightmare or a very exciting time for a woman, depending on her desires.
Week 3: The week from hell
It’s raining. But only on me.
Typically referred to as ‘hell week’, this is the week that I hate the most. Ovulation is in full swing and I start walking around with a cloud over my head. Everything looks grey. Everything sucks. Everyone is annoying.
I’m having mild cramping, headaches are still there, and getting out from under that stupid cloud seems futile, so I just feel it, acknowledge it and remember that it has to end eventually. And warn the Husband of course, so he knows to make the war preparations.
Week 4: The week of the fall
And then the thing we’ve been waiting on all month. The Grand Spectacle. The flowing of the gift (or punishment) given to us by a shitty, male God, who didn’t want the gift for himself.
I am unpredictable this week, I can never know how I’ll be feeling or what will set me off. Skin is inflamed and ugly underwear is in rotation.
Approach with caution.
Not to mention how messy the whole business is.
Note: Thanks to Australia for finally catching up to the rest of the world by stocking many different options of applicator tampons. You can find a nice range now at the shops and my fingers need not be gross anymore.
Sorry not Sorry
I won’t apologise for grossing you out and making you read this – I make no apologies for talking about something that at least half of the world’s population deals with monthly.
I will apologise to my husband daily for my changing mood swings, general mean-ness and the fact that there is really only one normal week where he could possibly have a wife that isn’t a lunatic.
But that’s the price you pay when you’re in a relationship with an amazing woman like me.
Tell me – how many weeks in a month do you get when you are not a crazy woman?
Thank you for reading ya’ll and remember – don’t be a dick!